Nathan's column: What news columnist are you?
Thanks to the Internet, I now know that if I were an Avenger, I would be the Incredible Hulk, that buff green beast with the big biceps, puny vocabulary and serious anger management issues.
It makes sense, I guess. Anybody who knows me will tell you about my hair-trigger temper and my tendency at the slightest provocation to flex my muscles so much I tear my clothes to tatters.
I don’t actually know what to do with this information. Does this mean the Hulk is my spirit animal? Should I close my eyes in times of trouble and imagine him pounding super villains into the dirt? Should I get a big, green tattoo on my cheek?
No, the other cheek.
However I use the information, at least I don’t have to wonder whether it’s accurate. It must be. An online personality quiz told me so.
Quizzes like these seem to be everywhere these days on sites like Buzzfeed.com. They pop up frequently on friends’ Facebook feeds. Apparently the thing to do now when you have a few minutes to kill is to find out who your Disney best friend is, or the famous person with whom you should get high. I haven’t actually taken that one, but I assume the answer for everyone is nobody, because drugs are bad. Or maybe it’s Betty White.
Don’t pretend that wouldn’t be awesome.
Most of these quizzes ask users to choose among a series of photos or sayings, then turn your choices about what fast food restaurant you prefer or what sock “speaks to your soul” into a highly scientific determination of what font you are (I’m garamond) or what character you are from the anime series Sailor Moon, which features teenage girls who turn into superheroes dressed in skimpy schoolgirl outfits (I don’t know and I don’t intend to find out).
There’s really no end to the possibilities. A Google search for the phrase “What am I?” turns up quizzes to find out what video game character I am, what superhero I am, what kind of crazy I am and what version of Internet Explorer I’m using.
Actually, that last one might be something different.
Thanks to Internet quizzes I know that my 90-rock-guy alter ego is Radiohead’s Thom York, which is totally fine with me, and that the state I am meant to live in is Minnesota, which is convenient, I guess.
I know that the decade I’m best suited to live in is the future, which isn’t actually a decade. I know that if I were a dog I would be a pit bull, misunderstood and lovable. And I know that if I were a bird I would be a European robin.
That one’s weird. I always pictured myself as more of an emu because of my height and my tendency to use my strongly clawed feet as a defense mechanism.
When a friend wanted a quiz to figure out what female country singer she was, I found the quiz, then took it. Apparently, I’m Redneck Woman singer Gretchen Wilson. If we’re talking classic divas, though, I’m shrill balladeer Celine Dion.
Those two seem like a pretty likely pair.
The quizzes are ultimately harmless. You could read a book to pass the time, I suppose, but why not use that time figuring out what Parks and Recreation character you are, or what Hogwarts house you should join? Delve into the depths of your inner self by figuring out what food matches your personality, what Roald Dahl character you are or how Welsh you are.
Now, if you’ll excuse me I’m going to take an Internet quiz to find out why I’m still single.