Column: Grappling with a fruit problem

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You could say I have an aspirational relationship with fresh fruit.

I’m not sure exactly why you’d say that, there being a nearly infinite selection of conversational topics more interesting than my attitude toward produce. But were you to say it, it would be accurate.

That occurred to me last week as I picked through the apple bin at the grocery store. It’s something I’ve done many times before. I buy the fruit, seal it tight in its little plastic bag and bring it home, convinced it will make a delicious and nutritious snack.

Then, those apples almost inevitably sit on the counter or in the refrigerator, largely forgotten, until they finally reach such a state of shriveled decrepitude that -— think George Burns in his later years — that I am forced to admit I’m never going to eat these particular apples and throw them away. I then go without fresh fruit in the house until the next time I happen through the grocery store and say, usually to myself, but sometimes to a startled shopper across the fruit aisle, “I should really eat more apples.”

I can’t be the only one who does this. If I were, I imagine there wouldn’t be products like Grapples, which attempt to make fruit interesting to the modern consumer by treating it less like a naturally occurring foodstuff and more like an amusement park ride.

In case you’re not familiar, Grapples -- it’s pronounced gray-pulls, for reasons that should soon become clear -- are otherwise ordinary apples that have been treated through what the manufacturer promises are natural processes so they taste like grapes.

The Grapple slogan, printed on the top of the plastic box that held four of the fruits in the store’s produce section last week, is “Crunches like an apple. Tastes like a grape.” It’s technically accurate, I suppose, but I feel like it misses all of the reasons a person would actually eat apples or grapes.

I eat apples -- on the occasions when I eat them -- because I like the taste and the crunch. I eat grapes because they are bite-sized and burst in your mouth and because I can peel them and imagine they’re eyeballs.

I’m 37 years old, by the way.

If I want a grape, I’m perfectly happy eating grapes. If I want an apple, I have no problem buying a bag of them and letting them sit on the counter until they rot. As has previously been discussed.

I’m not sure a new slogan would make Grapples more appealing to me, but I figured I’d give it a try. What about, “Grapples: Part apple, part grape, all abomination.” Or, “Grapples: Because we can.” Or maybe, “Grapples: It’s snack time with Dr. Moreau.”

I’m not sure if any of those will help Grapples sell better. I hope if any of them is ever implemented I’ll at least get a cut.

Or maybe just a fresh bag of apples.

Tags: opinion, farmington, commentaries